My husband and I became certified to foster with plans to help children. We have seven and eleven year old kids of our own. We are what I would consider a loving family and should be able to provide a stable, calm and safe environment for a child going through turmoil.

Our first experience with fostering, not having children placed with us permanently, was a three week respite – meaning the child would stay with us to allow for the foster family to have a breather, go out of town, whatever. He was an adorable one year, an absolute doll, but had trouble sleeping at night. Having him around and realizing how impossible it was to get things done with a one year old again crawling everywhere, made me rethink my preference for a baby for our first time fostering experience.

Around the time he went back to his foster family, I realized my health issues were worsening so decided to use up my vacation and sick time from work to take a little time off. The very last night I was on call for work, I received a call from DHS looking to place  two children, four and five year old brothers. God’s perfect timing strikes again. We took them in at midnight that night.

They were right out of the textbook; dirty, wearing torn clothes that did not fit properly. The were exhausted but sweet. They came right in and sat on the couch while I talked to the social worker (SW). I got them tucked into bed (my husband was asleep since he had to work the next day) and then I settled onto the couch for a restless night of sleep.

I’m awakened by the boys coming out into the living room with their small sacks they got at the hospital, and wearing the same clothes from last night, worriedly stating (in very broken, difficult to understand English) that they needed to take the bus. The SW informed me they had never been to school and never took the bus. This was just the first of many little mysteries these boys would have me scratching my head about.

The Honeymoon

The first week was totally fine. The boys were very well behaved and gave me no trouble. All the kids got along great. I felt in control of the fact that I now had four kids! So many of the daily events my family performs were a novelty to the boys. Daily showers with warm water and soap were a treat. They were excited to brush their teeth, and by the looks of their teeth, I’m not sure they ever had. We all went to the library, church, the park, the grocery store together and the boys were overwhelmed with joy at the newness of it all. Having their own bed and their own belongings was an astounding concept.  This relatively calm, happy period was the honeymoon. The honeymoon was very temporary.

We quickly learned how little they had been taught how to do. I needed to teach them how to brush their teeth, use the toilet and wipe properly, how to dress, bathe and use eating utensils. They had been taught nothing of colors, shapes, numbers or letters.

The little one (let’s call him Nelson) began to wet the bed after the first few days – only occasionally at first, then every night. Waking him two hours after bed to use the bathroom seems to help, but it’s still about 50/50. The boys began fighting, a lot, and hitting, and cursing. We began to get an idea of what their home life was like. I started with simple easy to remember rules such as; no hitting or cursing. This evolved to no pushing, hitting, kicking, spitting, fake punching (because it always led to real punching), no bad words – and these were punished consistently with loss of desert, then loss of tech, and a ‘scolding’ as the boys called it. This was new to the boys, they were used to getting ‘licks’ when they got into trouble.

For a few weeks we saw improvement. I began working on enrolling the boys in Pre-K, and four year old Nelson being too young for Pre-K, I worked on having him evaluated for special education Pre-K. He undoubtedly had cognitive delays; difficulty following instruction, staring blankly when spoken to, etc. I’ve been learning, what I originally considered cognitive, was also some serious emotional detachment – more on that in a minute. This process has been painfully slow (I swear everything happens in slow motion in Hawaii!) and I have YET, after two months, gotten them into school, but we are getting closer.

Five year old – let’s call him Jackson – is adjusting very well. He looks out for his little brother, he is obviously genuinely trying to follow the rules and listen to ‘Auntie’. There is a maturity and independence about him that I believe comes from him needing to take care of his little brother since mom and dad could, or would not. Again, textbook.

Side note, many children in Hawaii call men and women not related to them Uncle and Auntie. It’s respectful and I love it. On the mainland we were teaching our kids to call adults Mr. and Mrs. so-and-so.

Little Nelson began acting out. He began screaming, purposely instigating fights with his brother and my son, hitting more, and most concerning he began being rough with the animals. He smacked the cat in the face with an open palm, squeezed the puppies until they squeaked, and threw rocks at the chickens. One morning I woke up to a large pile of poop close to his bed and the next morning a puddle of what may have been urine. Our two dogs are inside dogs so I am not 100% sure who was responsible but I was certainly concerned.

All along I have been keeping the SW informed and involved. We are working on having Nelson seen by a therapist, but the therapists, counselors and psychiatrists seem to be in high demand on our side of the island. Our goal is to help him however we can but not at the detriment of our own family. We are afraid if we request he be placed elsewhere in what we may think is a healthier situation for him, he’ll only get worse. So for now I keep him close. I have to stick with him through teeth brushing and showering or he will get distracted and reap havoc – like last night he sprayed an entire can of spray sunblock on the floor and in the toilet.

Neither of the boys had ever been to a dentist and will now need to have most of their teeth capped. Many of their teeth are broken, cracked or simply decayed away to a stub. The pain in his teeth cause may be part of the reason for Nelson’s acting out.

Slowly, disturbing facts have emerged about how the boys lived. The most concerning part of that is how the boys relate them. They calmly and pleasantly state facts at the dinner table that astound us all with their atrocity, but to them, it’s just how normal people live.

How Our Biological Children are Affected

This has been VERY challenging for our kids. My eleven year old daughter is not happy with the situation – understandably. She went from having one annoying little brother, to three, all of which LOVE to provoke her. She can be very helpful, especially with my recent illness. She would play hide and seek, make them a snack. But now that I am starting to feel better and her annoyance is overriding her concern for mom, she is pretty unhappy when the boys are around. Luckily she is the only one in the house with her own room, so she has an escape.

My seven year old son goes between loving having two playmates, to despising the air they breath. He too is helpful at times. When I was unable to get out of bed, he would make the boys waffles for breakfast or put on a movie for them all to watch. But he has full-on melt downs every couple days when something doesn’t go his way, the boys take his toys and simply will not give him any space.

However, I believe this experience is helping them develop compassion, empathy and appreciation for their own situation.

Moving Forward

So we will continue to provide a safe, warm, clean home for our two new little friends. We will continue to teach them how to speak properly, manners, numbers, shapes and colors, how to treat one another with out physical violence, kindness to animals, and share with them the joy of simple things they had thus far been denied.

Hopefully mom and dad will continue to come to the arranged visits. Although the separation after the visits is obviously hard on the boys, they undoubtedly feel loved by their parents and seem to have plenty of support from their family.

*Note* I frequently say ‘I’ rather than ‘we’ because most often it is myself working with the kiddos due to the fact that I stay home during the day while my husband works. He is incredible, supportive and fully involved with the kids when he is home.